Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single Review

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Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single ReviewAnybody who has practiced therapy over the last two decades has seen a real shift in the kinds of problems with which people want help.
In this book Jillian Straus gives a good overview of one of the issues that have become ever more common: finding and maintaining a stable interpersonal relationship.
She describes seven "Evil Influences" that impact many peoples' search for true love:
1.The Cult of I
2.The Multiple Choice Culture
3.The Divorce Effect
4.The Inadvertent Effects of Feminism
5.The "Why Suffer" Mentality
6.The Celebrity Standard
7.The Fallout from the Marriage Delay
I found her discussion of these convincing. Though based on a fairly small number of interviews, the case descriptions and quotations ring very true. So many people are constantly "shopping" for potential relationships, and if they find the smallest defect in a "product" they immediately want to trade it in.
A couple of years ago I was asked to advise a woman whose list of "non-negotiables" in a mate ran to over ten pages of single spaced A4. She told me how much she wanted a relationship, but she was clearly setting herself up for failure. She had received some very poor advice from a therapist who had artificially boosted her self-esteem to the point of narcissism.
Nobody would ever suggest that anyone should settle for second-best in a relationship, but for years we have been inundated with some poor and often unrealistic advice. I have known of people who have spent decades sitting at home waiting for their soul mate to come knocking on the door. The whole idea of soul mates came from a small piece of the Ageless Wisdom, and most people neither have nor need them. There are many wonderful people with whom to have magnificent relationships, without handicapping yourself with a belief that there will be always be someone else with whom the grass will be greener.
So many people are not prepared to put any effort into relationships, and believe me they do need effort. But one of the difficulties for many younger people is that they have been brought up to believe in the instant solution. So many have been given pharmacological quick fixes since they were in the cradle, so that they have been left without essential coping skills. I have seen colleagues prescribe sleeping tablets to children and adolescents, rather than counseling the young person and his or her parents on how to cope with sleep problems.
Clearly the nature of relationships is changing in ways that have not been seen for millennia. Many people are very happy to be in temporary or short-term relationships in a way that would have been unthinkable fifty years ago, before teenagers had been invented, and when people transitioned directly from childhood to adulthood, and expected job, spouse and children in short order. Gen-Xers are continuing some of the relationship revolutions begun by the Boomer Generation. But evolution and revolution rarely come free, and many people remain pained and conflicted by their basic wants and needs and the new pressures and possibilities thrust upon them.
In the final chapter Jillian has a number of very good suggestions for those who are having a hard time with the revolution, staring with burning checklists and stopping speeding through relationships.
This is not a weighty sociological treatise, and neither is it meant to be. Jillian has crafted a book that articulates a set of issues facing millions of people, and for that we should be very grateful.
I spend a lot of time reading heavy evidence-based books, so I was not sure whether this one would be for me. But Jillian writes with grace, kindness and respect, and I thorougly enjoyed her book.
If you are between 18 and 39, or if you have a friend or relative between those ages, you will likely find a great deal to educate and help you, or to offer advice to them.Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We're Still Single Overview

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